it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
