I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
