I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Randomize
