I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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