But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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