4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it's like iHOP with fire
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
