dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
