Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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