I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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