It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
