PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
