I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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