He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
