I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
