Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
my poor anus
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
