Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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