yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
