The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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