Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
