I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
