M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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