K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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