i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
