she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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