Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize