So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize