She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
