You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
