Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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