This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
