I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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