Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
