Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
