At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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