Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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