I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
