Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
