i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize