ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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