You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
