So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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