Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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