I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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