my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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