why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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