Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
