"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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