my shit smells like andre
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize