he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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