You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Be still, my beating vagina.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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