i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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