So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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