Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize