Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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