Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
