well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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