My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
