Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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