What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize